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33

3.3.72

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Three

Not exalting the gifted prevents quarreling.
Not collecting treasures prevents stealing.
Not seeing desirable things prevents confusion of the heart.

The wise therefore rule by emptying hearts and stuffing bellies,
by weakening ambitions and strengthening bones.
If people lack knowledge and desire,
then intellectuals will not try to interfere.
If nothing is done, then all will be well.

-Lao Tsu, “Tao Te Ching”

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Eight

Eight

The highest good is like water.
Water gives life to the ten thousand things and does not strive.
It flows in places men reject and so is like the Tao.

In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, go dep in the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In ruling, be just.
In business, be competent.
In action, watch the timing.

No fight: No blame.

-Lao Tzu, “Tao Te Ching”

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What in the world have I been up to?

Massage School! I just finished the swedish intensive. Twas amazing. I aced my anatomy test and my final (an hour massage to give to one of my instructors) is this coming Thursday. After that, I’ll be C.M.T. Woohoo!

Then, Shiatsu class starts on Friday. Not an intensive tho. 2 days a week, 3 hours a day for like, 3 months. I can’t wait. I should have done this a decade or so ago.

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MMV

2005. I hope so much for it to be a “better” year. This seems to be a recurrant theme over the last several years.

“Fuck 2003!”
“Good riddance 2002″
“2001, thank god that’s over with.”

Last year was definately a mixed bag, but better on retrospect perhaps that the previous few years. This last year I was diagnosed with Major Depression, ADD and Chronic Migraines. I quit my job which I hated. And discovered that working for ones self is incredibly emotionally difficult.

It also marked 8 years together with someone whom I love unconditionally. I was able to actually get a little exercise (something that had been impossible for over a year). I strengethened friendships with some amazing people and met a few new ones along the way.

So here I am. Massage class starts in less than 2 weeks. Some of the medication I’m taking is making me so drowsy I’m sleeping the day away (THAT’s gotta change). I’ve been inexplicably depressed over the last couple of weeks. And my procrastination levels are off the charts. So here we go!

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Vintage 1993

I remember an announcement that I made to a group of friends at dinner one evening. We were at Chili’s having a great time.

“I’m moving to San Francisco and becoming a massage therapist.” said I.

11 years later, those friends are scattered across the country and I find myself in San Francisco. Courtland and I will have lived here 4 years this February. Amazing what can happen in 11 years. I didn’t hop up and run off to California shortly upon saying those words, but today I enrolled in massage school for a 2 week intensive that starts in the middle of this coming January.

Some ideas just need a little fermentation I guess.

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A Change Of Scenery

This morning I had a brief (very brief!) dental appointment. This afternoon I’ve got a therapy appointment. That creates this window of about 5 hours. Did I go home after my dental appt? Nope. I grabbed my laptop and brought it with me. I’ve been at Border’s for the last 4 hours or so sippin’ tea and munching on scones and working. I’ve gotten more done today than I have in the last week. Granted that most of the stuff I’ve been doing today has been my books, but those have GOT to be done. And for some reason I’m completely unable to do them infront of my georgeous 21″ flat panel display. Instead, I’m sitting here in this fairly uncomfortable chair staring into this little 12″ screen getting things done. Amazing the little tricks one has to use in getting one to do one’s work. Perhaps when next I need to do work I’ll start coffee shop hoppin’ round the neighborhood and see how much I can get done when on the run.

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Modeling

Me by Steve Guy

A sketch of me by Steve Guy.

So most every Tuesday night for the last several months, I’ve been going to a sketch class in SOMA. My friend Mark Chester runs it. He asked if I would model for the class one time and for some reason or another I said “sure.” So tonight I did.

Twas a very interesting experience. It was also kinda fun. And difficult! Holding a pose for so long (15-20) minutes is a lot more strenuous than one would think. It really gave me a perspective. At first I thought I might have a problem taking my clothes off and being scrutinized for 2 and half hours by a room full of guys… But ya know? It wasn’t a problem at all. It actually felt strangely empowering. The chances of me doing it again are pretty good, I’d say.

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Let’s Get Physical

OK. So I almost don’t want to post this because I don’t want to jinx it. And I know for most people it usually takes like, 14 days or something to become a habit. For people like me, double that number, maybe triple it. BUT….

I have gone to the gym every single day this week.

And I’ve LOVED it! Who’da thunk it? It’s a different perspective I suppose. I can now actually excersize (I’ve proven this now) without falling over into a vertigo attack that lasts for the rest of the day! I could not have done this 6 months ago. I’m so, well, giddy over it. It’s amazing that the things you hate become the things you love when life takes them away from you, then gives them back, like, all-of-a-sudden.

Courtland had a free 30-day pass to Gold’s. So I haven’t gone and spent tons of money (again) on something that I’m not gonna use. If, in 25 more days, I’m still going to the gym, I’ll sign up.

Next stop. Yoga practice once again.

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Spoutin’ Off

Beth sent me this link via email. It’s a short video that Harvey Firestein is talking about rights and marraige and the first amendment. All I got to say is…

Go Harvey! Go Harvey! Go Harvey!

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Best Movie Of The Year

The Incredibles. Go see it now!

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I Wanna New Drug

Got a new med yesterday. Cymbalta. It’s another mood stabilizer which also hopefully works with ADD. Since it’s a dual uptake inhibitor (seritonin and dopenephrine) it may (if it works) be able to replace the Zoloft that I’m on for depression as well. That would be good.

This chemical cocktail that my doctors are continually mixing and adjusting is kinda crazy. We’re avoiding stimulants (like Ritalin) because they might trigger my migraines. So we’re taking the long winding back road around the ADD thing by going through all the mood stabilizers that have worked on some (but not all) people with ADD.

So for those of you keeping score:
Diagnosis: Major Depression, Current Drug: Zoloft

Diagnosis: ADD, Current Drug: Cymbalta
Previously: Desipramine, Strattera

Diagnosis: Migraine associated Vertigo, Current Drug(s): Klonepin, Xanax and/or Frova (as needed)
Previously: Neurontin, Valium, Scopalamine, Mirtazapine, Trileptal, Effexor, Hydrocodone, Meclizine

I can only stand back and laugh and swim through the toxic soup.

Drugs
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Go Annie! Go Annie! Go Annie!

I think that I’ve said this before. However, it bears repeating. Annie Lennox is a goddess. Courtland and I went and saw her play last night at the Shoreline Amphitheatre. She was AMAZING. Her voice was perfect. Live, she has does these little intonations and flourishes that don’t appear on her records. It was such an amazing performance. I waited 20 years, but I finally got to see her sing Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This). She did a lot from Diva, Little Bird has never really been one of my favorite songs of hers. I mean, it’s OK, but last night changed my opinion on it forever. I’ve seen lots of pre-recorded performances of hers but live her voice resonates emotion in tidal waves. She did a really rocked up version of Missionary Man(from Revenge), followed by I Need A Man, (from Savage). And when I say really rocked up, now, Missionary Man is not a lie down in the sheets balad….I mean a REALLY rocked up version. As Court put it, you just felt her go into “Rocker Chick” mode and WOW! She did do Pavement Cracks from her latest album (Bare) but not a whole lot else from it.

Oh, and Sting played too. I’ve seen him 4 times now, it was his 53rd birthday. I hope he had a good one, but he was (and has been in my opinion of the last 2-3 albums of his) way off his game.

Can you tell I really liked seeing/hearing Annie Lennox?? OMFG.

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So What Is The Secret?

To being continually motivated? Or, at least, being able to focus long enough to get what you’ve got to do done? I’ve got work (2 contracts actually with a 3rd on the way). This is a good thing. Was supposed to do lots of stuff today. Including taxes from last year. How much got done? ‘Bout 10%.

Incredibly frustrated at myself. I get up. Go to my computer. And stare and get distracted by a hundred million things. I know part of it is the whole ADD thing and the current meds I’m on ain’t doin dookie for it (I have an appointment to see Doc. Lee in a couple of weeks). It’s obviously not a part of the new work-at-home thing. This has been a problem with me for years. Some days/weeks are just worse than others.

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Testing 123

Just upgraded to Movable Type 3.1. Everything seems to have gone as planned. Although I am somewhat underwhelmed at the hyped improved UI. I’m strongly considering moving everything over to WordPress. Decisions. Decisions.

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Gmail Invites

So, because Blogger is owned by Google, for a while, anyone who had a Blogger account could sign up for Gmail (Google’s much hyped free email service). Not one to pass up yet another free email account (I have so many I’ve lost count, as well as the usernames and passwords to most of them…but I digress) I signed up.

Now they tell me I have 6 invitations to send out to people. So, if you are one of the uber-curious, know me, and want one. Lemme know and I’ll give it to ya. First come, first served.

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This Came Across My Inbox

None of us can really know when our time will come. But when that time does come, when we have to let go of this body, will we be ready? Will we be ready to let go freely and fearlessly? Or will we leave this life grasping to hold on to unfulfilled desires and fears that have never been faced? It all depends on how we are living right here, right now, in this very moment. We are never going to be able to die fearlessly if we can’t live fearlessly. Almost every day we have opportunities to embrace life fully, to be authentic and free from pretense, to do the right thing for the right reasons and to rise to the highest. But do we take those opportunities? Usually not, because we think we still have time. Unfortunately most of us have to suffer a great deal before it begins to dawn on us that we really don’t have time, and the most important thing is that we give everything right now. Imagine that we knew we were going to die tomorrow. Perhaps then we would recognize that every second counts. To be ready to die, we have to be ready to live. To live with such care, humility, passion and fearlessness that the future disappears in the fullness of the eternal present. Only then will the precious time we have in this human form be able to make a real difference in this world.
–Andrew Cohen

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Get It Before It’s Gone!

Kool-Aid Man

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Of Desks, Jury Duty & Meetings

Things are going well. My friend Michael is in town this week. He, Courtland and I may go up to Sonoma this weekend, or maybe not. I got rid of my old desk and got a new one from IKEA that closes everything away when I don’t want to look at it. It took forever to put together, but I had fun doing it. the rest of my room is still a wreck but I’m not stressing over it. I’m slowly going through things because (and this hasn’t happened in forever), I actually have time to do it. Amazing. I love this unemployed thing.

I had jury duty today. For the first time ever. You go down to this big grey building lit with flourescent light, go up to the third floor (Room 307) navigate through marble halls into a room with torn green carpeting to give your piece of paper to a (remarkably) friendly attendent and are told to go wait in other room. The other room is a big room filled with rows upon rows of chairs with some scattered tables and more chairs. Another person came in, called out names (of which mine was one) and we filed downstairs to the second floor to…

Department 13.

Yes, spooky isn’t it? Department 13, as it turns out, just is another boring court room with walls paneled in a sickly yellow wood with creaky seats. Another roll call. The judge came in, explained the case, and said anyone that had extenuating circumstances who couldn’t be a juror should stay and write up an explaination. Everyone else come back tomorrow at 1:30 for jury selection. So tomorrow I go back. Exciting!

And I had a business meeting with a potential client at lunch. WTF? I thought i was supposed to be on sabbatical! Oh well, when work finds you and it’s from a person you like, what do you do? Nothing concrete yet, and it’s only one project, but we shall see.

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Quote Of The Day

Act without doing;
work without effort.
Think of the small as large
and the few and many.
Confront the difficult
while it is still easy;
accomplish the great task
by a series of small acts.

-Lao Tze

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