March 2004

Better Living Through Chemistry

I went to the doctor today. He’s a holistic practitioner recommended to me by my therapist. It was kind of nice to walk into an office that didn’t have the ubiquitous medical illustration posters on the wall sponsered by . His pen didn’t have a logo on it. The notepad in which he furiously scribbled the tidbits of my life on did not say Glaxo Smith-Kline at the bottom. Refreshing.

So now I’m taking huge amounts of B12, Folic Acid, Fish Oil, COq10 and the like. Hopefully these will have some effect on my vertigo. They hopefully will help me get my depression back down to an approachable level.

To help me with the later I’m also now taking a very small dose of Zoloft. Because of my previous negative reactions to psychotropic medication in the past he is being very conservative in the dosage. It’s the smallest dosage they make, and I’m taking half of that for 10 days to see if my brain chemistry goes completely nutso over it. If everything goes well, we’ll be uping the dosage.

I feel so weird about taking it. After (I guess it’s over 8 months ago now) that I had such a negative experience with the whole bits, I’m extremely wary. But as it has been pointed out to me, this kind of depression is your brain chemistry being fucked up in one way or another. It doesn’t mean it’s fucked forever, and the medication can help set it right. At the very least, it can help you focus on trying to figure out why you’re depressed and do something about it while you’re still participating in the life around you. At least that’s what I’m telling myself right now.

Drugs
General

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Principles

Some days, of course, are better than others. Yesterday was a really bad day. No one thing set it off, just a culmination of stuff that I deal with on every other day, yet somehow suddenly became unbearable.

Work stuff mostly. I’m really unhappy in my new position. I don’t like what I’m doing. As a “Usability Engineer” I’m not creating anything. I spend most of my time picking things apart. I’m also asked to give my opinions that I’m often forced to take back.

Getting it right isn’t the priority. Just get it good enough. But who decides what’s good enough? And on what basis is that measurement? We’re told to do it right, but when things get tough, instead of sticking to principles, it’s always, “Well, that’s just got to be good enough.”

I understand that their has to be compromise. That their must be a balance between ideals and practicality. What I don’t understand is when does compromise mean just tossing your hands in the air and saying, “just give us what you can” every single time.

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work

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Here I Go Again

God do I hate therapy sometimes. Especially when the therapist is right.

So I made a doctor’s appointment today. Because sitting around and waiting for the vertigo to go away is obviously not working. Although it is precisely what several doctors said to do. So, armed with new health insurance, I am presenting a new attack on dizzyness. Instead of asking for one referral for a neurologist I will ask for three. Then cross-reference what each doctor says and if it contradicts one another, present it back to them.

And because last year pretty much killed my faith in western medicine, I also made another appointment with the craniosacral therapist that I saw back in December. And will make another accupuncture appointment if that isn’t effective. So there. I just hope all this effort doesn’t make me too dizzy.

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Therapy

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In Which We Find Our Hero Less Than Fully Recovered

Yesterday evening Courtland and I went to yoga. It’s a Restorative class taught be a friend. I’ve gone to it lots of times before the whole dizzy thing began. Yesterday was the first time I’ve done any kind of exercise in over a year. Choosing a the Restorative class was probably a good choice as it’s really slow and laid back. And I found out that it’s just about the absolute limit that I can do before I get too dizzy. At the end of it I was dizzier than I wanted to be (which is of course, not at all). But I was OK, all things considered. I plan on going back next week, taking it one step at a time. I loved that class, but it has thrown me back farther into a depression as a side effect.

“These things usually go away by themselves.” the doctors said. I’ve now been experiencing episodic chronic vertigo for a year. Granted, I’m actually much better than I was, say 8 months ago. But as I found out last night, it is most definately not gone.

I am wondering if this will ever end.

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32

Today

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